first dates.

I wouldn’t call it being envious or being a poor sport–but I think girls just have this innate reaction to want to be in a relationship when friends or people around them are hooking up left and right. But, it’s nice to have someone to call–or text, or to spend their free times with. Just watching my best friend Vannie go on her first date (to remind you, we are not in high school or anything, but college students) it makes me happy to have her experience this memorable night. Come on, every girl will remember their first “really” date down to the very last detail. I am happy for her, it is fun telling her that purse doesn’t match her outfit or constantly remind her to smile and laugh at his jokes (even when they aren’t friendly), and also to be herself–no fake shit. But, even in this happy jolly environment, i cannot help but wish I was in her position instead. The nervousness, the excitement and the little butterflies in your stomach…and it’s starting to sound like a romantic comedy movie. But, you get the point.

After Vannie’s innocent budding dating started to develop into more in intense liking for one another, it started to make everyone hyperactive to relationships and feel the need to fill their lonely gap with a boy toy. For example, another one of my friend is ’starting’ to see one of her close guy friends as more than a friend. Interpreting his constant text messages and funny sarcastic comments on fb as a sign that maybe, MAYBE there was something there. Don’t ask me if she is on the right or wrong track–I have no ability in figuring out what works and what doesnt work or for that matter, what guy’s actual intentions are. I have figured one thing though, and the university I attend (I won’t disclose) is not like any regular universities–guys here are…different. I traveled hundreds of miles for school believing guy’s pretty much enjoy watching espn, have some knowledge of sports, enjoy playing beer pong (one form or another–doesn’t have to be at a frat) and enjoy trying new things and is blatantly obvious when they like a chick. Here…guys are…different.

First off, I am going to over generalize here…but my experiences with the guys here, acted more or less the same. One word to describe them–SLOW. Slow in interaction, slow in showing emotion, slow in mustering the balls to flirt, slow in asking her out on a date, etc. But, one thing that really makes me love the guys here though…is there mentality is to put in all or nothing. This was something I wasn’t accustomed to at the beginning, it even repulsed me a little bit, it was creepy. But now, I am not so sure. To see the huge smile Vannie had when she walked in with arms full of flowers made me so happy and squealed out an ‘awwwwww’. Guys RARELY buy girls flowers on their FIRST date, it isn’t in the natural order of things, it’s not only a little creepy, but it definitely shows the guys REALLY REALLY likes the girl…and its only the first date! But, it depends on the chick really. Luckily, my Vannie already likes him, and the flowers added to the little details she will be remembering for the rest of her life.

am I fake?

I don’t consider myself a whiny person, someone who cries over spiled milk…but today, is an exception. I am going to have a post dedicated on the stupid mundane annoyances in my life, and how much I wish it was different. I am going to complain about small details that shouldn’t bother the normal human being, but it must be done because I do not have anyone else to turn to.

I feel like I am living many lies. I am too embrassed to share my failures because I am afraid what they would think of me behind closed doors or when i am not in the room. I guess you would say I am fairly stubborn and prideful, I care what people thought about my intellect because that is really what I have. I feel like my life has taken a wrong turn and I have no idea how to put on the break, shift reverse and head back the pther direction. I keep thinking how successful and how good everything was and then i look as now, and i am shocked of how it got to this point. I am no longer the good student, making good grades, I no longer see most of my close friends, I am no longer working as much as I want to, I am missing opportunities left and right. I wonder if my success was dependent on his help, that what I am today, what I created for myself was given to me because of my connections with him. This idea unsettles me, it scares me because I am starting to lose everything I have worked hard to achieve. :/

poppy the puppy

isn’t she just adorable? other than enjoy smelling the poppies, she likes eating it too.

it was not brief

How do i even begin? so much is going through my mind that i don’t even know how to start…let me just say this, break ups are never mutual. no matter how you sugar coat it–someone is always the one controlling the situation and deciding what was going to happen. I feel as though im falling, my heart cannot stop beating and its that feeling before a drop. no one has ever told or informed me about this, but it always happen when you least expect it, or it manipulates itself into a bad event. one moment we were talking about what to do on sunday, and the next we are arguing about each other’s flaw and how we both do not fulfill each others need. Even after all the explanation and pleading for him to understand–he couldnt. even after all my attempts to make him see from my side, he returned back to the same frusteration. i miss him. i still believe that im going to see him in a few days. this happened to sudden, like a heart attack. im here, feeling the pain spread through my body setting off a wave of continuous ache. i need that electrical stock to help me wake from this horrible nightmare.

trouble sleeping

Sleeping has been difficult lately, and i know the reasons why. Ive been trying relentlessly to make myself exhausted–watching infomercials about exercise equipments or rearranging my multiple email accounts. Still, when it comes time to close my eyes, I lie there completely awake with my mind burning with questions and claims, all fruitless in the end. I really have tried mediating. Breathing measured, deep breaths and envisioning a peaceful serene waterfall BUT none of that has worked! Every moment of the day is frusterating because based on my mood, my feelings for him changes. Yes, all these troubles–with sleeping, mood changes and purgatory state of mind is all because of him. I thought i had unravelled all the knots and tangles, but really we just hid it with smiles and false hope. Should we continue to enjoy each others company even though it means putting him through hell?

twisted logic

I see it as a learning experience, some see it as a sin.